Fugitive Of Justice

Man, I’m sorry to be writing this but the gig’s up. I blew a .027 at the transition house. There’s no denying I was drinking. I went to Right Brain Brewery again today and had a few too many drinks. I’m on my last chance with probation, so I don’t see any reason not to leave. I’m not sure how I’m going to get away tonight as there’s only two doors, one with an emergency alarm and another right in front of the office. I have a feeling they’re going to call the police as soon as they realize I’m trying to leave. I texted my boss and told him I’m sorry. He said they like me there and I’m welcome back whenever I might be able to work again. 

One thing’s for sure, if I get away from Traverse City without being arrested, this blog is going to get a lot more interesting. I’m going to buy a Greyhound ticket tomorrow and go to Colorado on Saturday. I’ll go to Durango, in the southwest corner of the state and try to get a job there

Close Call

This morning I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting at Jacob’s Well. I had quite a bit of booze this morning and afternoon. I fell asleep at about three pm and woke up at about seven. I started to walk to the AA meeting on Sybrandt Road, but with the headache and light drizzle, I didn’t feel like walking all the way there. When I got back, I took a hot shower and laid back down for half an hour.

Then came the moment this blog almost became interesting. I had to PBT before nine pm, and when I did, I blew a .007, which is extremely low. I almost admitted to drinking right then and there. Thank God I didn’t. The house manager said to come back in five minutes. I went to my room and started to contemplate leaving. God, I thought, what am I going to tell my boss? There seemed no escaping it, I was going to be kicked out and arrested. I wouldn’t go down that easily. I went back to blow again and this time I blew .000. The manager asked if I had just brushed my teeth, and I replied that yes, in fact, I had. And that was the end of that. I was so close to admitting guilt, which would have been a grave mistake. I think the guy was doing me a favor, after seeing me work my ass off lately, but I don’t know for sure. I was so close to packing my bags and catching the Greyhound tomorrow morning. I’m probably going to ditch the beer I have in my backpack tomorrow morning.

I found a girl’s wallet on the railroad tracks today. I tried to reach out to her on Facebook, but she still hasn’t responded. I hope she’s okay.

Early Morning Drinks

I wish I had a more creative title for today’s post, but unfortunately my brain is dead-tired. Once again, this morning I had a few beers, and I almost regretted it. I was really worried I might fail my PBT tonight. If I was tested an hour or so ago, I probably would have failed. I was pretty damn drunk this morning. So much so that I ended up calling a cab to take me like a mile. I barely remember this morning. I had trouble focusing on my book while I sipped my pre-work coffee. My boss and the kitchen manager snuck up on me and tapped my head while I sat in the coffeeshop. It scared the shit out of me, I thought it was somebody from the transition house. I don’t have much more to say tonight, I’m going to make myself a cup of chamomile, put on Interlochen Public Radio, and pass the fuck out.

Beer, Kratom, And Tattoos

If you’ve ever watched the Louis CK bit about day-drinking, well today has reminded me of that bit. He says something like, “You ever watch a movie and there’s a couple of business guys in an office closing a deal over a glass of whiskey? How are those guys, like five minutes later, not just like, ‘uhhh fuuuck, I can’t believe I drank whiskey at three o’clock in the afternoon”, or something like that. Well today I gave in once again and bought a couple of beers this morning. It felt great for like half an hour, but the rest of the day has been hell on Earth. I wanted to feel better, so instead of just toughing it out, I went to the head shop and bought some kratom. What a waste of money. Not only have I just learned the transition house will be testing for kratom soon, but I felt absolutely nothing. Luckily, I didn’t take very much so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. I tried to take a nap this afternoon, but that didn’t work out very well. I fell asleep for a few minutes watching YouTube. The day did improve a little, but ultimately I’m just ready to call it a night and try again in the morning. 

I went to Lutheran schools growing up and definitely consider it important to my upbringing. I believe there is something deeper that permeates life and transcends our material, mechanical existence. I also believe the Bible is the single most important text in Western culture, and I find Christianity to be comforting, even if there is a great deal of nonsense involved with it. I’ve read all of the major books of the Bible such as the Gospel of John, Proverbs, and Psalms. Last year I started reading the King James Version, just a chapter or two at a time, and so far I’m in Leviticus. Since I’m in such a fowl mood today, I thought it’d help to read a couple chapters. Now, I don’t have any tattoos, and I don’t judge anybody with tattoos, in fact, my half-sister is apprenticing to be a tattoo artist, and I think that’s badass. I always knew that die-hard Christians tended to either be totally against tattoos, or there’s always that one girl who’s into death metal and covered in tattoos and who also claims to be a Christian. I always knew, like a lot of things, there was some religious commentary on the notion of tattoos. I’ve heard more than a few times the line, “your body is a temple”, and such. But I had no idea there was a verse in the Bible that specifically addresses tattoos (or at least something similar). In Leviticus 19:28 it says, “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the Lord.” I suppose I’ve sinned as I actually burned a triangle into my left wrist in high school. Now I wonder how common, if at all, it was to get tattoos in Israel many thousands of years ago. I’m not curious enough to actually look it up though. It’s time for bed.

Black & White Magazine

You ever wake up and have a single tear roll down your cheek and not know why exactly? Well this happened to me this morning. It happens every now and then. Just all of life’s sadness compressed into one moment.

On my way to a meeting this morning, I stopped into Oryana, the local natural foods grocery co-op and bought a single twelve-ounce beer. A strong 7% IPA from the Ore Dock Brewing Company in Marquette. I haven’t drank in months but today had to be the day where I had to sneak one in.

Today, I called a couple of British visa consultants’ offices in London, seeking advice on whether they thought I’d be able to take a trip there next year, given my criminal history. The general opinion was that I should apply for a tourist visa after I pay back my court fines, even though Americans generally don’t have to do this. I was very grateful these people took the time to answer my questions, free of charge. One even called back with more information.

A few weeks ago I went on Black & White Magazine’s website and signed up to have a free issue sent to me. It said it would take about six weeks to arrive. I was excited to find an issue in my mailbox, which, on the cover, above the barcode, says usually costs thirteen dollars. I look forward to thumbing through it over the next week or so. I’ve looked through a many Black & White before, and that along with Aperture and Wired are some of my favorite magazines commonly available.

From The Dish Pit

I think this blog would be ninety percent more interesting if I were drinking. Just because I’ve been going to AA doesn’t mean I’ve quit. I actually anticipate, fantasize, about drinking. But I can’t go to prison. So I’m planning on staying sober until I’m done with probation. I have profound nostalgia from drinking alone, riding the bus to Interlochen or Sutton’s Bay or Portland or Los Angeles. It probably looks sad from the outside, and indeed it is, but I love creating my own Hell. It probably comes from self-loathing, loneliness, fear, and defeat. I hope someday I can settle down somewhere and really be content with a somewhat normal life and accept it for what it is.

The sun is out and it’s about fifty degrees.

I stopped in WNMC, the college radio station at Northwestern Michigan College. I deejayed there before. I talked to Eric Hyme, the supervisor there. I was surprised that he remembered me. He said someone would have to update me on the process as they’ve gotten new equipment. He said they’d contact me next week.

In an earlier post I mentioned getting a new pair of headphones– how I liked a model that I bought at a store in Telluride. Well, I thought I’d look around downtown today before I go ahead and get something off Amazon. I asked my sister if they sold anything at the outdoor store she works at. There doesn’t seem to be any local stores that sell them, which is actually incredible to me. Maybe they do at the guitar store. They have to at the record store over by Family Fare.

I stopped by The Camera Shop to see if my film had been developed. It has. I said I’d be picking it up on Thursday.

I’m writing this from the dish pit at Sparks BBQ. I usually type out my daily post on my laptop, at night, but I think today I’m going to type out a post from work.

The first bird I found, I ripped a piece of a free tourist map and picked it up by the foot and dropped it in the river. The next one I found as I was walking back away from the river. I found three Cedar Waxwings on the sidewalk under some berry trees. These dead birds remind me of a dying bird I found on a sidewalk near the library in Durango, Colorado. It was too weak to fly. I didn’t want the poor thing to die on a slab of concrete so I got a foam cup, scooped him up, and walked him down to the river where he could die in the soft grass.

One of the managers is outside washing the windows with a long wand. There’s a little boy delighted by the site, cheering on the sudsy spectacle.

I listened to the short story Head Down on the audiobook Nightmares & Dreamscapes by Stephen King.