If I Fail Probation

This morning I walked to an AA meeting up on Cedar Run Rd. I say “up” not because it’s out of town or north of where I live (how a lot of people use the word “up” in America), I say “up” because it’s mostly an uphill walk. It was drizzling rain the whole walk. I stopped at Oleson’s grocery store on the way back and bought a pack of Pall Mall’s and ten dollars in scratch-offs. I know that seems like a white trash move but I rarely buy lotto tickets and I smoke Pall Mall’s ironically, so fuck you. I didn’t have a single winning ticket and am inclined to never buy a lottery ticket again.

I quit the photography project. I may still buy a roll of film here and there and I definitely still have a project I want to do in the fall, but it’s a relief not to have to commit to this thing and spend money on something that is starting to bore me. I think a couple of really great pictures came out of it. I’ll still post the last few rolls once they come in and finish the roll that’s currently in my camera.

I’ve been going to Espresso Bay everyday before work to drink a coffee and read a few chapters from my book. I wonder what I’d do if I’m caught where I’m technically not allowed. I’ve been thinking a lot today about what I’d do if I was told I’m kicked out of the transition house. I was late to a couple of PBTs over the past week and being kicked out is a real possibility. My probation officer says that if I’m kicked out, I’m going back to jail. If I knew that my punishment isn’t increased or only increased a little if I abscond, then I’d definitely leave town. I’d probably lose my job anyway, so I might as well try and make a run for it. I have about a thousand dollars and I think I could live off that for a bit. To be honest, I’d probably start hitting the bottle pretty hard. If I were to skip out on probation I’d probably head back out west to southwest Colorado, start drinking cheap beer and whiskey, and maybe I’d finish writing this book I’ve started and see if I could sling that on Amazon while living in a motel. Unfortunately, I think I’m cornered as the consequences of leaving would be exponentially worse as long as I’m running from the court. If losing my job wasn’t in the equation I think that maybe failing probation might be a good thing as my sentencing guidelines are like three to nine months and I’ve already served like seven months. All-in-all I believe everything is going to work out. There are much worse positions in the world than where I’m at. I’m easily in the top third in regards to privileges in this country and top tenth in the world.